Posted by I… I didn’t mean to, I never meant for this to happen. It was the voices, they kept talking to me. And lately they were getting louder. I tried not listening to them, but they kept talking. They never stopped. I tried to shut them down. Music was of no help. I kept banging my head against the walls, but that wouldn’t stop them either.
I gave up. I resigned myself to go through life hearing them in my head. They would leave me alone for a while, just to come back and scream even louder. “Look at them. Disgusting.” “Why are they looking at you like that?” “Did you really think this through?” “No, don’t say that, that’s stupid.” “Remember how they laughed at you?” “See them whispering? I bet it’s about you.”
I… I didn’t mean for this to happen. I… I… I cared about her. It was the voices. They told me to do it. “Why is she laughing so hard? You’re not that funny.” “Why won’t she answer?” They kept going. For years I went on in life with the voices in my head. But now it was unbearable.
Then her, she changed the voices. They could feel it was different with her, they were jealous. They could feel me changing, and they changed too. After seeing her, they’d keep going for hours, or even days at a time. “Why isn’t she answering?” “What’s she doing?” “With whom?” I’d try to ignore them. But then they’d start speaking louder. And louder. Then screaming. They wouldn’t stop, the voices.
“It’s for your own good” they told me. “We’re taking care of you, she could be lying. What if she hurts you? We’ve been with you forever. We’re the ones who understand you the best.” Until one day. That day everything changed. They matured, in their own way. “She can’t hurt you if you do it first.” I didn’t mean to. It was them. They were very… Convincing. I couldn’t bear this anymore.
One night, we went out drinking and the voices had more power over me. “Do it, do it now.” “What are you waiting for?” I couldn’t control myself. I don’t remember moving. I lost it. I loved her. I hope she knows it. But that’s not what I could see in her eyes, it was just helplessness. She was asking why. But all I could think of was the warmth flowing on my fingers, then my hands. “It’s the voices. I’m sorry. It’s the voices”
I don’t remember much after that. They’ve gone quiet. Some nights are longer than others and they might make a comment or two. At least these new walls are more comfortable. Banging my head against them will hurt a lot less. But the silence. I’m afraid they’ll notice and start again. There’s nothing I can do here. They can take over. That’s why I talk to myself sometimes. Or start screaming. So they won’t notice the silence.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to.
It was the voices.